Two weeks ago, on May 28, I was consumed with sadness. Acknowledging that mom had now been gone for six months was very difficult. As more time passes, it becomes more evident how many things I'd like to share with mom that I can't, how many things I'd like to do with her, and how much I miss her. It is very difficult not to feel hopeless, not to be consumed by sadness.
Someone asked me if there is anything I do to celebrate mom, or that reminds me of her. I didn't know how to answer. So much of what I do reminds me of mom that I would have a very difficult time picking one thing or a few things to really celebrate her and remember her. I don't know if this is good or bad. I think that sort of clarity, and ability to choose a way to celebrate mom, will come later.
I've been thinking for the past few days about running a marathon- the California International Marathon. It would be a good way to do something productive and set a goal I can achieve this year. I think I need that sort of structure. I've also thought about using the CIM to start fund raising for the Pulmonary Fibrosis Foundation, which has a (virtual) running team and sets up online fund raising pages for participants. This would help me accomplish something for myself and to help others afflicted by the awful disease that stole mom away so unfairly.
Aside from being the local marathon, I feel that the CIM would be a good pick because I have memories of mom recounting how she had gone to watch the runners on a cold December morning a few years ago. It was after I had started running, and she had asked me if I did the race (I hadn't). I think she would like it if I ran the CIM, and it would be nice to think of her watching.
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