On Sunday, I finished my first marathon. I started training because I needed something to occupy my mind after I lost mom- something meaningful that wasn't my job. She had always asked if I was running the CIM each year since I started running, and she would go watch runners complete the last few miles.
The race was grueling, but not so bad that I won't do it again. I started training 18 weeks ago, and did accomplish something I am proud of, that mom would be proud of also.
I told John about two women I saw running the race, with shirts on identifying them as mother and daughter. John joked that if mom were still here, neither she nor I would have run the race. I think he is right.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
One Year and Looking for Meaning
Yesterday marked one year since we lost mom. I have been trying to come to terms recently with that, and trying to come up with thoughts to share on this blog. I like having the blog to post things about mom, memories of her, and other related information, but I have been having trouble recently coming up with anything meaningful. It seems that the only meaningful thing is that she isn't here, and I can't find anything to say about that.
I am reminded all the time how lucky I am to be her daughter, and how much I learned from her. These thoughts make her absence more difficult, but that it to be expected. I think of fun and funny memories and smile, but am also sad that memories is all I have. I continue to feel overwhelmed by how unfair it is that mom got sick, and that there wasn't anything the doctors could do about it. I'm just so angry about it, even though I know that doesn't help anything.
I don't know what to say aside from how much I miss mom, and how much I wish she were still here. I can't come up with a nice way to memorialize her life on the anniversary of her passing. Hopefully I will be able to get past this, but for now I don't have any meaningful words.
I am reminded all the time how lucky I am to be her daughter, and how much I learned from her. These thoughts make her absence more difficult, but that it to be expected. I think of fun and funny memories and smile, but am also sad that memories is all I have. I continue to feel overwhelmed by how unfair it is that mom got sick, and that there wasn't anything the doctors could do about it. I'm just so angry about it, even though I know that doesn't help anything.
I don't know what to say aside from how much I miss mom, and how much I wish she were still here. I can't come up with a nice way to memorialize her life on the anniversary of her passing. Hopefully I will be able to get past this, but for now I don't have any meaningful words.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
PF news from England
I read an article today about a woman in England who is working to raise money to find a cure for Pulmonary Fibrosis, which killed her father. The article is here.
The story she told of her father's illness sounded similar to mom's. He'd had trouble breathing and a cough. A lung scan at the hospital lead to a diagnosis, and quick treatment with steriods to slow inflammation and scaring. A few months later, sudden illness, and a few months after that, he succumed to the disease.
Mom had lung x-rays in 2003 for a TB test, which showed scarring in her lungs. They cleared her for TB, and did nothing else.
In maybe 2008, when she started having trouble breathing, they gave her an inhaler for asthma. I don't think it was until 2009 that they diagnosed her with PF, and she only received periodic care and steriod pills.
It seems like the man in the article received more serious care, but in the end it didn't help him. I don't know which would be better- having the doctors do more to no better outcome, or having the low standard of care I'm afraid mom received.
On another note, the woman in the article is running the New York Marathon to raise funds for PF research. I thought of doing the same for the CIM this year, but I haven't done anything so far. I feel bad that I'm not doing more. I'm not sure if it is that I don't want to be so public and open about it, because it is so difficult to talk about. It may be a little that I don't know how to raise funds, don't like emailing and posting online to ask for money, or something like that. But I know I should be doing something. I think mom would want me to, and I feel like I'm doing a bad job as her daughter by not doing that for her.
The story she told of her father's illness sounded similar to mom's. He'd had trouble breathing and a cough. A lung scan at the hospital lead to a diagnosis, and quick treatment with steriods to slow inflammation and scaring. A few months later, sudden illness, and a few months after that, he succumed to the disease.
Mom had lung x-rays in 2003 for a TB test, which showed scarring in her lungs. They cleared her for TB, and did nothing else.
In maybe 2008, when she started having trouble breathing, they gave her an inhaler for asthma. I don't think it was until 2009 that they diagnosed her with PF, and she only received periodic care and steriod pills.
It seems like the man in the article received more serious care, but in the end it didn't help him. I don't know which would be better- having the doctors do more to no better outcome, or having the low standard of care I'm afraid mom received.
On another note, the woman in the article is running the New York Marathon to raise funds for PF research. I thought of doing the same for the CIM this year, but I haven't done anything so far. I feel bad that I'm not doing more. I'm not sure if it is that I don't want to be so public and open about it, because it is so difficult to talk about. It may be a little that I don't know how to raise funds, don't like emailing and posting online to ask for money, or something like that. But I know I should be doing something. I think mom would want me to, and I feel like I'm doing a bad job as her daughter by not doing that for her.
Friday, October 8, 2010
One Year
Yesterday, it had been one year since I last saw mom outside the hospital. I had an afternoon job interview close to city hall, and I took I Street toward West Sacramento. I was in the middle lane to facilitate getting on the bridge, and I saw mom waiting at the crosswalk at 9th and I Street, on the south side. She was walking home from the library. I saw her as I drove by, and wanted to turn around to talk to her. But I was on a one way street, in the part of the grid filled with one way streets, and by the time I decided to turn I was a block away and facing the potential of at least five blocks to get back to the same spot. By then, mom would have gone at least a block or two. So I didn't turn, and I continued home.
I called mom that evening to tell her about the interview. I wasn't surprised that I didn't hear back. I figured she was busy, or had the radio on, or didn't feel up to talking. That was common, and I figured she would call when she had a chance.
The next call I received was from the hospital. I was at John's parents house, and only checked my phone (which was on silent) because I was looking for something in my purse. I had a message from a doctor at UC Davis, telling me mom was in the ER, on a breathing machine, and asking for me to call. It felt like it took forever to get someone from the hospital on the phone. Then we left to go see her. It was around 4pm, I was mid-beer, and we were about to have dinner for John's dad's birthday.
A lot happened over the next two months. And now, mom is gone, and I wish so much that I had never received that call, and that she was still here.
I called mom that evening to tell her about the interview. I wasn't surprised that I didn't hear back. I figured she was busy, or had the radio on, or didn't feel up to talking. That was common, and I figured she would call when she had a chance.
The next call I received was from the hospital. I was at John's parents house, and only checked my phone (which was on silent) because I was looking for something in my purse. I had a message from a doctor at UC Davis, telling me mom was in the ER, on a breathing machine, and asking for me to call. It felt like it took forever to get someone from the hospital on the phone. Then we left to go see her. It was around 4pm, I was mid-beer, and we were about to have dinner for John's dad's birthday.
A lot happened over the next two months. And now, mom is gone, and I wish so much that I had never received that call, and that she was still here.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Family photos in the mail
I received an envelope filled with childhood family photos from mom's cousin Wayne today. Some of the photos I've seen, but many I haven't. I noticed for the first time how much I looked like mom when I was little. There are also quite a few photos of mom's parents when they were younger, and some are quite funny. It is nice to see new photos.
I am especially happy that Wayne found me through this blog, and has kept in touch. It is so special to have photos from when mom was little, and it was very thoughtful for Wayne to share the photos with me.
I am especially happy that Wayne found me through this blog, and has kept in touch. It is so special to have photos from when mom was little, and it was very thoughtful for Wayne to share the photos with me.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Photos
I was just remembering how mom always liked to look at me, instead of the camera, when someone took our picture. We have a few wedding photos like this, which the photographer re-took. I have one from graduation at UC Davis, which John re-took. I always thought it was silly of her, but now I think differently.
A while back, I printed some pictures for an album of mom's life (which I haven't started). I made sure to print all the ones I could find from recent years of her looking at me instead of the camera. There were so many! Whatever the reason she did it, I cherish these pictures. She is always beaming in the pictures, and they are such a nice memento of her. It is like she is saying she is proud of me, still.
A while back, I printed some pictures for an album of mom's life (which I haven't started). I made sure to print all the ones I could find from recent years of her looking at me instead of the camera. There were so many! Whatever the reason she did it, I cherish these pictures. She is always beaming in the pictures, and they are such a nice memento of her. It is like she is saying she is proud of me, still.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Yesterday it was 108 degrees...
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| Small Kintoki, with Green Tea Powder! |
Cautious optimism, and anxiety
On my way to marathon training yesterday, I heard a story on NPR about Pulmonary Fibrosis. It was a much better piece than the one on the Today Show, but featured the same man (Bob O'Rourke). This segment was very clear that there is no known cause, cure or treatment for this disease, and that it is a death sentence.
I was somewhat excited to hear that researchers have found a genetic mutation they think may cause rapid aging of lung tissue, which causes the scars indicative of PF. They said that the early stages of scarring is evident in people over 100 years old, so PF may just be a premature aging of lung tissue.
While narrowing a cause is promising, it just makes me wonder if this is something I could get. If it is genetic, how big is my risk? Ever since mom got sick, every time I cough or get short of breath I get anxious. I feel the same way about breast cancer- what if I am at a heightened risk for both?
I was somewhat excited to hear that researchers have found a genetic mutation they think may cause rapid aging of lung tissue, which causes the scars indicative of PF. They said that the early stages of scarring is evident in people over 100 years old, so PF may just be a premature aging of lung tissue.
While narrowing a cause is promising, it just makes me wonder if this is something I could get. If it is genetic, how big is my risk? Ever since mom got sick, every time I cough or get short of breath I get anxious. I feel the same way about breast cancer- what if I am at a heightened risk for both?
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
CIM
So I've signed up for the CIM, and joined a training group. I started a blog to write about my experiences training, and titled it Pioneer Spirit.
I was struggling to come up with a name, and was thinking about what would be a meaningful way to note the effort involved in training, and maybe tribute mom a little. I suddenly thought of something Rosemarie had said to me in the hospital, or maybe after. She said she had asked mom how she stayed so strong and carried on with her life in the time when she was sick, but before she came to the hospital. She got very serious, and said "Its the pioneer spirit." Though I wasn't there for this conversation, I know exactly her expression and tone when she said it. It reminds me of how strong she was.
I hope to think of her strength as I train, and know that nothing I'm doing is difficult compared to what she dealt with for so long.
I was struggling to come up with a name, and was thinking about what would be a meaningful way to note the effort involved in training, and maybe tribute mom a little. I suddenly thought of something Rosemarie had said to me in the hospital, or maybe after. She said she had asked mom how she stayed so strong and carried on with her life in the time when she was sick, but before she came to the hospital. She got very serious, and said "Its the pioneer spirit." Though I wasn't there for this conversation, I know exactly her expression and tone when she said it. It reminds me of how strong she was.
I hope to think of her strength as I train, and know that nothing I'm doing is difficult compared to what she dealt with for so long.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Summer magic
Last Wednesday afternoon, I went to Osaka-Ya. Mom and I started coming here about 20 years ago, when it was across the street from its current location in a much smaller storefront. I remember the snow cone line snaking around the block on hot summer days. Most of the time, we would get the Kintoki, a perfect confection of sweet ice, sweet azuki beans, and green tea powder. I still remember the sadness I felt when I wanted a snow cone on a Monday, and I remembered the stern sign: "No snow cone on Monday".
Osaka-Ya is now open and serving snow cones on Mondays, but I don't venture over as often as I'd like. I made it over only once last summer. That afternoon, I called mom to see if she wanted to join me. She was working at Southside Pool at the time, only a half mile or so away. She wasn't able to come, but told me later she often visited the shop before or after work.
Last Wednesday marked the first afternoon where it was hot enough to want a snow cone, but cool enough that I wouldn't over heat while eating the snow cone outside the shop. I went over after running an errand, and got an extra small watermelon snow cone. I don't venture above the small size when eating alone, as the snow cones are enormous.
Next time, I will get the Kintoki, which mom and I both love.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Toy Story 3
I'm getting excited about seeing Toy Story 3, and it keeps reminding me of mom. She really liked the well-made kids movies.
She was excited about seeing UP when it came out on DVD, and I had planned to get it for her and watch it when she came home with us. We did watch it with her when she came home with us, but not in the way I wished.
I still need to watch Where the Wild Things Are, which came out while she was in the hospital. I told her I would wait to see until we could see it together. She told me not to wait. John bought it, but I haven't been able to watch it yet.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing Toy Story 3- it will be nice to do something we would have liked to do together.
Image from SFGate.com review.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Pulmonary Fibrosis in the News
This morning, the Today Show featured a story on a gentleman suffering from Pulmonary Fibrosis, the disease that stole mom away. While it is fantastic to have the media coverage, I would like to see the "experts" like Dr. Snyderman focus more on the lack of an FDA-approved treatment for this horrific disease, and less on creating a stereotype of its victims as veterans and people who carelessly exposed themselves to dust in their younger years.
While the causes of Pulmonary Fibrosis are unknown, and it is currently impossible to determine how a patient began to develop the characteristic lung scarring, one potential cause is radiation treatment for breast cancer, which mom received in 1994 or 1995.
This disease kills as many people as breast cancer each year, yet receives far fewer research dollars. This needs to change, as does the misdiagnosis of patients due to the relative obscurity of this disease. They thought mom had asthma, and sent her away with inhalers for a few years before they reevaluated the severity of this disease. Maybe if her diagnosis had come sooner, she could have hoped for a lung transplant like the gentleman in this video is hoping for.
While the causes of Pulmonary Fibrosis are unknown, and it is currently impossible to determine how a patient began to develop the characteristic lung scarring, one potential cause is radiation treatment for breast cancer, which mom received in 1994 or 1995.
This disease kills as many people as breast cancer each year, yet receives far fewer research dollars. This needs to change, as does the misdiagnosis of patients due to the relative obscurity of this disease. They thought mom had asthma, and sent her away with inhalers for a few years before they reevaluated the severity of this disease. Maybe if her diagnosis had come sooner, she could have hoped for a lung transplant like the gentleman in this video is hoping for.
Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
CIM and other thoughts
Two weeks ago, on May 28, I was consumed with sadness. Acknowledging that mom had now been gone for six months was very difficult. As more time passes, it becomes more evident how many things I'd like to share with mom that I can't, how many things I'd like to do with her, and how much I miss her. It is very difficult not to feel hopeless, not to be consumed by sadness.
Someone asked me if there is anything I do to celebrate mom, or that reminds me of her. I didn't know how to answer. So much of what I do reminds me of mom that I would have a very difficult time picking one thing or a few things to really celebrate her and remember her. I don't know if this is good or bad. I think that sort of clarity, and ability to choose a way to celebrate mom, will come later.
I've been thinking for the past few days about running a marathon- the California International Marathon. It would be a good way to do something productive and set a goal I can achieve this year. I think I need that sort of structure. I've also thought about using the CIM to start fund raising for the Pulmonary Fibrosis Foundation, which has a (virtual) running team and sets up online fund raising pages for participants. This would help me accomplish something for myself and to help others afflicted by the awful disease that stole mom away so unfairly.
Aside from being the local marathon, I feel that the CIM would be a good pick because I have memories of mom recounting how she had gone to watch the runners on a cold December morning a few years ago. It was after I had started running, and she had asked me if I did the race (I hadn't). I think she would like it if I ran the CIM, and it would be nice to think of her watching.
Someone asked me if there is anything I do to celebrate mom, or that reminds me of her. I didn't know how to answer. So much of what I do reminds me of mom that I would have a very difficult time picking one thing or a few things to really celebrate her and remember her. I don't know if this is good or bad. I think that sort of clarity, and ability to choose a way to celebrate mom, will come later.
I've been thinking for the past few days about running a marathon- the California International Marathon. It would be a good way to do something productive and set a goal I can achieve this year. I think I need that sort of structure. I've also thought about using the CIM to start fund raising for the Pulmonary Fibrosis Foundation, which has a (virtual) running team and sets up online fund raising pages for participants. This would help me accomplish something for myself and to help others afflicted by the awful disease that stole mom away so unfairly.
Aside from being the local marathon, I feel that the CIM would be a good pick because I have memories of mom recounting how she had gone to watch the runners on a cold December morning a few years ago. It was after I had started running, and she had asked me if I did the race (I hadn't). I think she would like it if I ran the CIM, and it would be nice to think of her watching.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mother's Day
On mother's day, the world joins together in celebrating mothers and everything they do. You can't go five minutes without hearing or seeing an advertisement or announcement for mother's day cards, brunches, gifts, or events. It is really difficult to ignore.
Last year, I bought the perfect Mother's Day card. It had a little girl on a swing in a flower-filled field. The swing even moved. On the inside, it said something about always being there, and was just generally the sweetest, most perfect card I've ever bought.
But I didn't have mom's address. And then for whatever reason, we weren't able to spend Mother's Day together, so I never gave it to her. Her health, her work, my thesis- I'm not sure the cause. So I ended up saving the card for next year. I figured it wasn't a big deal, and that she didn't mind not getting the card.
I still have the card, and it will forever remind me of the fact that the last time I had the opportunity to celebrate with her on Mother's Day, I didn't. I can only hope she knew that I was thinking of her, and that she was so special to me.
Last year, I bought the perfect Mother's Day card. It had a little girl on a swing in a flower-filled field. The swing even moved. On the inside, it said something about always being there, and was just generally the sweetest, most perfect card I've ever bought.
But I didn't have mom's address. And then for whatever reason, we weren't able to spend Mother's Day together, so I never gave it to her. Her health, her work, my thesis- I'm not sure the cause. So I ended up saving the card for next year. I figured it wasn't a big deal, and that she didn't mind not getting the card.
I still have the card, and it will forever remind me of the fact that the last time I had the opportunity to celebrate with her on Mother's Day, I didn't. I can only hope she knew that I was thinking of her, and that she was so special to me.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Second River Cats Game of 2010
The day before Mother's Day, John and I went to see the River Cats with his parents.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
San Rafael Visit
On Sunday, John and I went to visit Rosemarie and Dana in San Rafael. It was a beautiful afternoon, especially after a week of rain. Soon after we arrived, we all went for a walk around their neighborhood.
Rocky came with us, and loved exploring a new place and meeting new people. We talked about how Mom loved taking Rocky for long walks, and that he would often get tired and want to nap halfway through the walk.
We walked through their neighborhood, which has many old, beautiful homes. We stopped at Dominican University, and sat on a bend facing a grassy plaza on campus.
It was a nice visit, and Mom would have loved taking a nice walk through the pretty neighborhood on such a nice day.
Rocky came with us, and loved exploring a new place and meeting new people. We talked about how Mom loved taking Rocky for long walks, and that he would often get tired and want to nap halfway through the walk.
We walked through their neighborhood, which has many old, beautiful homes. We stopped at Dominican University, and sat on a bend facing a grassy plaza on campus.
It was a nice visit, and Mom would have loved taking a nice walk through the pretty neighborhood on such a nice day.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Tower Cafe Turns 20!
Today, the Tower Cafe celebrates its twentieth birthday. Over the years, mom and I shared many meals at this restaurant. I have many fond memories of the decorations, the tea, the old record player in the ladies' room, and of course the food. I think the last time I visited the Tower with mom was for her birthday.
When I visit the Tower Cafe, or the Tower Theatre, it brings back fond memories of growing up, and fun times with mom. Happy birthday, Tower Cafe!
Photo from Tower Cafe Gallery (http://www.towercafe.com/TowerGallery.htm)
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Condolence Letter from the Governor
In today's mail, I received a letter from the Governor's office. Campaign mail? Job announcement? Response to a letter I wrote that I don't remember writing? Nope. It is a condolence letter. It reads:
"I was saddened to learn of the death of your mother, Charlotte, and I send my heartfelt condolences.
In this time of grief, I hope that you can find comfort in the company of friends and family. It is also my strongest hope that memories of your mother will sustain you and live forever in your heart.
Again, I offer my deepest sympathies. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sincerely,
Arnold Schwarzenegger"
"I was saddened to learn of the death of your mother, Charlotte, and I send my heartfelt condolences.
In this time of grief, I hope that you can find comfort in the company of friends and family. It is also my strongest hope that memories of your mother will sustain you and live forever in your heart.
Again, I offer my deepest sympathies. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sincerely,
Arnold Schwarzenegger"
River Cats Home Opener
We went to the River Cats home opener against the Reno Aces last Friday, April 16. Despite being cold and windy, it was a fun night, complete with $1 hot dogs. The Cats won, 8 to 4.
Mom worked at Raley Field during River Cats games and other events for the past two summers, and really enjoyed watching the games. She would excitedly tell John about the games, and do her best to get the baseball lingo correct.
Many of her friends and co-workers at Raley Field contacted me after I published the notice of her passing in The Bee, and they were all so kind and had such nice things to say about her. The River Cats administration even sent a card, and called to express to me that it was tough to lose two members of the River Cats family in such a short amount of time (the owner, Art Savage, also died in November). I'll be supportive of the River Cats not only because mom loved them, but also because of their kindness.
Photos by Ron Nabity, Sacramento Press
http://sacramentopress.com/headline/25063/River_Cats_win_home_opener
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, mom!
I'm thinking about you a lot, and wish you were here.
(I did not bake this cake. I copied an image from a food blog, toxobread.wordpress.com)
I'm thinking about you a lot, and wish you were here.
(I did not bake this cake. I copied an image from a food blog, toxobread.wordpress.com)
Friday, April 2, 2010
Peeps!
I saw an article today about Peep art, and had to post it here. I always remember eating Peeps when I was growing up. We even put them in out cocoa. Talk about sugar overload! I thought a happy memory would be nice to post. Here is the Washington Post page for the Peepshow 2010 contest, which is also the source of the above image.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Mom and baby me
Here are some pictures from when I was a baby. I love how happy mom looks.
In this one, I think Rosemarie has a toy I want:
In this one, I think Rosemarie has a toy I want:
Mom when she was young
Here are a few pictures of mom when she was young. :)
Love the glasses!
Clockwise from top left: Mom and Rosemarie, Mom in high school, Mom and her father.
Love the glasses!Clockwise from top left: Mom and Rosemarie, Mom in high school, Mom and her father.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
The little things
Four months have come and gone, and one of the things I miss most is having a thought, or question, and calling mom to talk about it. I went to donate blood a few weeks back, and one of the volunteers at the center was very familiar. I thought to myself, if I called mom, she would know who this person is. But of course, I couldn't do that.
I tried to make a quiche, because John has not stopped taking about quiche since mom brought one over maybe a year ago, and I failed miserably. Mom's quiche was amzing. I wanted to call her, tell her how amazing her quiche was, and ask her how she made it so I might be able to try again.
I ran my best half marathon yet, finished on second base at Raley Field, and wished she was there to share it with me.
I'm sure I will have a million more moments like these.
I tried to make a quiche, because John has not stopped taking about quiche since mom brought one over maybe a year ago, and I failed miserably. Mom's quiche was amzing. I wanted to call her, tell her how amazing her quiche was, and ask her how she made it so I might be able to try again.
I ran my best half marathon yet, finished on second base at Raley Field, and wished she was there to share it with me.
I'm sure I will have a million more moments like these.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Capitol Park
Yesterday I was near Capitol Park for a meeting, and I remembered last summer, when I often ran there on Wednesday afternoons. One particularly hot Wednesday, I saw my mom at the corner of 10th and N, walking home from work. I often saw her walking downtown to and from the library, work, and other errands, and on this occasion I walked with her to the other end of the park before resuming my run. I'm going to miss randomly seeing her around town, which was always like my very own personal "Where's Waldo" to look forward to.
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